Train-squatting: A tale of shits & giggles … Shanghai, China

I’m not sure now what my expectations for my trip to China were but what I experienced certainly didn’t match up, in both the best and worst ways. My 20 days travelling from Hong Kong to Shanghai provided me with some of the highest and lowest moments of my trip to date. I laughed more than I can ever remember and made some of the best friends who I hope I will see again in the not too distant future but I also experienced some of the worst customer service of my life and total incompetence from Ricky, our feckless tour guide. Basically it was TOTES EMOSH!

Day 52-54 Yangshuo This place felt like a Chinese version of The League of Gentleman. The hostel was awful and the weather was awful. You weren’t allowed to put anything down the toilet which is particularly awkward in a big dorm where the loo is situated in the Room. I needed a number 2 on the first night so I went down to the toilet in reception for some privacy. Unfortunately when I came out who should be waiting to go brush his teeth but the lovely Norweigian doctor (Basically the only eligible single man in the group). I literally couldn’t look at him for 24 hours #theshame

On the first day we did a guided bike tour which consisted of us riding around the local area on pink bikes with baskets on the front, in the pouring rain for seven hours following a Chinese woman in a poncho and ballet pumps who didn’t speak English and seemingly didn’t care if we were following or not. On the second day we did a cooking class and I faced my worst nightmare when I witnessed the selling and slaughter of dogs for meat in the market. All this is enough to drive you to drink which lead us to the discovery of baijiu. Baijiu is a clear spirit and has to be at least 50% proof. It tastes like a mixture of turps and nail varnish remover, is rediculously cheap and is the most commonly drunk alcohol in the world. 

Trains The overnight train from Yangshuo to Chengdu was the first and probably worst of our many train journeys. Now I’ve done overnight trains in India and I’m not adverse to roughing it but this experience was on another level. I could just about deal with the filthy bedding, chain smoking, snoring and smelly snacks but when I visited the only western toilet and found a massive poo ON THE SEAT! That was breaking point for me. #shitonthewesterntoilet will haunt me forever. 

Day 55-58 Chengdu One of the high points of the trip was seeing the Giant Pandas in Chengdu. I think I summed it up best in my journal “They’re like big, fluffy, drunk babies. And they eat like us when we have the hangover munchies.”  One fat one got stuck in a tree and watching him just hanging, totally wedged, I really felt that I had met my true spirit animal. 

Day 59-61 Song Shan This place is the home of Kung-fu. Parents send their children to learn the art in a cult-esque school where they all have their heads shaved and practice from dawn until dusk. It’s quite unnerving to see children under the age of 5 chanting and doing drills at 7pm. Whilst I was there I also visited the Shaolin Temple and hiked up 1000 steps to another Big Buddha and the Dharma Cave where The Bodhidharma spent 9 years meditating facing the wall. The view was nice but I can think of nicer places to get my Zen on.  Not worth the bruised arse I got from falling down the stairs on the way down. 

Day 62-64 Beijing As one of the Canadian couples in the group was engaged to be married I suggested that we celebrate with a Hen and Stag party in Beijing. Determined to make this an epic night I set off on day one with the Norweigian Doctor and a sweet girl from Devon to find a sex shop and buy ‘penis paraphernalia’. As you do. Unfortunately due to Chinese internet censorship, Maps Me and lack of ability to speak or read Chinese we failed miserably! We did however visit some of the dodgiest neighbourhoods in China’s capital and inhale lots of smog so it wasn’t a wasted day. 

In the evening we googled Best Nightclub in Beijing and had a fantastic time dancing the night away at Club Mix. Jess and I were predictably the last to leave after being bought 20 shots of something called kamikaze by The owner. We finished the night ‘lost’ (100 yards from our hostel) carrying an office chair. 

The next day Tianemen Square and the Forbidden City were rather wasted on me but after being fed we were taken to a famous cricket man who fights crickets and grass hoppers. It was so weird I cannot begin to describe how  I felt with a horrific hangover watching a man with very few teeth stroking a cricket with a feather and gesticulating wildly. 

The day after that I recovered and conquered the Great Wall Of China. 

Day 65-66 Xi’an I went shopping and ate 16 types of dumpling at a dumpling banquet. That was a good day! Next day we went to see the famous Tearracotta Warriors which was just stunning. The sheer scale of it and the detail is mind blowing. 

Day 67 Suzhou Singing Katie Melua’s hit song ‘Nine Million Bicycles in Beijing’ at Karaoke night in Suzhou was the pinnacle Of my China experience. I then proceeded to sing every song i knew from Toni Braxton to Meatloaf until 3.30am. Everyone else left at midnight(apart from the irish). 

Day 68-69 Shanghai We definitely saved the best till last. Shanghai was gorgeous and my favourite Chinese city by far. I loved exploring the Bund and the old French concessions at TIanzifang and Wukang Road. I really wanted one more big night out but we were all emotionally and physically drained by this point so I settled for another DIY picture jumper…of me wearing my baijiu picture tshirt. 

Day 70 Fly to Osaka, Japan! 

The above was just a whistlestop version of the rollercoaster that was China but I hope I’ve caught the essence without boring you with the details of every little event like the time we lost a member of our group or went to the wrong toilets and got a shock.